You call the number and, surprisingly, a female answers the phone. You point out that a terrible mistake has been made and that you want the job to be cancelled. The hitman can keep the money you say. “Has he set off yet?”

“I am the hitman” the lady answers in a voice that you recognise. It sounds very familiar indeed. “You are talking about the contract to kill a Mr Ryan Insane Booth are you not?”

“Yes, that’s right” you say frantically. “Please don’t do anything to him, I have changed my mind.”

“Oh. Shit!” the lady replies regrettably.

You begin to cry. She has already done the deed. She has just killed him and I am too late you think. You start to wail, knowing that he will never fulfil his dream. And that you will never raise piglies with him! This thought fills you with the most intense pain you’ve ever felt.

“it is just that I had been looking forward to this one” she continues. “This one was going to bring me pleasure for a change”.

This is a very strange thing to say you think. She must not have done it yet you conclude from the tense of her speech. “You haven’t done it yet?” you ask nervously.

“No, I couldn’t be arsed yesterday. I was going to do it later this evening” she responds.

That does it for you. You recognise the voice now with her last words “I couldn’t be arsed” you mimic. “I COULDN’T BE ARSED” you shout at her. There is only one person that says such a line in such a way!!! This is Lucy isn’t it!!!???

“Erm… yeah, why, who is this?”

“This is your sister, smackfiend!!! Didn’t you look at the name on the paypal payment. It was Dad!!! Who else would want Ryan dead except me???”

“Well, to be honest, I thought it could be anyone… he is a massive cock and I thought someone just had enough.”

“I had, but now I realise I was being a little bit harsh. He just needs to be trained a little bit more, not killed!!!”

“Oh, ok then. Well, don’t think im returning the money!!!”

With this, you hang up immediately, as you realise that you have been calling a mobile phone for the last 10mins.

You decide that after such an eventful 24hours you need to call him and forgive him for being such a massive knobhead and that you really want to be with him after all. So you call him.